Fear is a Liar {The Anxiety of Impermanence}

"You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will go. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent is impermanent and will be smashed. Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away. Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.

But right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realising this is the key to unspeakable joy. Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you. This may sound trivial, obvious, like nothing, but really it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence. Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.

Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar." - Jeff Foster

Avery and I had a conversation last night about fear.  He expressed embarrassment that he still holds a fear of dogs (he was scratched and knocked down by a dog when he was 5, and it really scared him).  He explained that he should no longer be afraid.  And I explained to him that it is always okay to be afraid of things.  And that I wake up everyday with fear.  But, I have to greet my day with the resolve to fight through that fear, and have gratitude for my present moment.   But I am always afraid. 

I hope it made him feel better.

I struggle mightily with fear.  I have always felt that I have lived a somewhat charmed life.  I enjoyed an amazing childhood, with two parents who loved each other and never divorced.  I lived in the calm suburbs, and felt supported in literally everything I did.  I have always been lucky enough to have good friends who have looked out for me - and met my wife in college, and we are still deeply in love.  And after 18 years, I still enjoy my dream job of teaching.

But I have always had a deep seeded nervousness that I am operating on borrowed time.  And though it is true that all of us are actually on borrowed time - I have struggled at times to see beyond this fear of losing it all.  Shortly after having our children is actually the first time that I noticed this fear.  And it is directly related to my overwhelming feeling of gratitude for the gifts that I get to enjoy in life.  At times, it seems the more gratitude I feel - the more my fear of loss grows.

But in my moments of clarity, I understand that everything will be lost.  That is a guarantee.  And living in fear of it simply renders me incapable of living a full life.  I become paralyzed by it, and fail to see the freedom in it all.

At times the fear has forced me to look for the negative, and only see the worst-case scenario - which is against my nature.  But everyday, I resolve to push through it - and lately I have been successful, but it is not always the case.

But what I always remember is that fear is a liar, and that impermanence renders every moment sacred.  I hope Avery can lean into that truth, not only with dogs - but also with his dreams.