As a younger man, I don't recall thinking about fear. I mean, I was afraid to get hurt, or have my heart broken - but I did not ever meditate on my deepest fears. It was healthy for me, and dangerous. I was always willing to try new things, but often without a healthy sense of humility. I just wasn't scared enough.
Two years ago, my wife was put into ICU for sepsis. We went from a totally normal Monday afternoon to the scariest moment of my life. The day before, my wife had complained of a pain in her arm. She took Advil, and it went away. The next day the pain came back, and she started throwing up. By that evening she had a fever, and was still throwing up.
I called the Doctor's office and listed her symptoms. They told me to call in the morning if she was no better. In the morning she was worse, and we went in to the office. Her doctor acted concerned, ran tests, and gave her a shot of a massive antibiotic. Other doctors were brought in to observe and consult. They strongly considered sending Jessica to the hospital that day. But they sent her home, with the mandate that we call if anything changes.
The next morning, they admitted her to the hospital, where she was placed under the care of the Infectious Disease department. They believed that she had contracted a strep infection in her arm, that had now spread to her muscles - and possible into her blood stream. They started an IV with four antibiotics, and a ridiculous amount of fluid. But her blood pressure slowly lowered, and her arm pain did not dissipate. The doctors went from reassuring, to nervous, to clinical, to deliberate.
I was feeling pretty good, until a doctor whom I had never seen entered her room - and explained that they were moving her to ICU now. He explained that her infection was still spreading, and it was causing her blood pressure to drop. This concerned them, and they needed her in ICU. And just like that, they took her away from me. Unable to join her, I drove home alone, realized that there are no guarantees for anything, and cried on my front porch. I slept with Noah and Avery that night. It was the scariest moment of my life. And I am still scared about it.
It turns out that ICU was the place for her. Within 12 hours in ICU, everything began to improve. She was moved out of there that afternoon, and we stayed at the hospital for 3 more days, as she recovered. Six weeks later, she was back to 100%, we had a shiny new will, and things were (aside from ridiculous medical bills) back to normal.
But this entire experience was such a traumatic moment for both of us - as we faced the reality that she. almost. died. We live our lives quite differently now. We have more urgency, and it is harder for us to deal with the day to day checklists that life requires. We are closer than ever before, and we face things head on. It is a process though. And if I am honest, I think we continue to learn how to navigate our lives with this new perspective.
And we live with much more meaning now. Things matter more to us because of our experience. So, I am grateful for it, and grateful for the gift to be with Jessica every day. I am scared now. And it is a good thing.
Two years ago, my wife was put into ICU for sepsis. We went from a totally normal Monday afternoon to the scariest moment of my life. The day before, my wife had complained of a pain in her arm. She took Advil, and it went away. The next day the pain came back, and she started throwing up. By that evening she had a fever, and was still throwing up.
I called the Doctor's office and listed her symptoms. They told me to call in the morning if she was no better. In the morning she was worse, and we went in to the office. Her doctor acted concerned, ran tests, and gave her a shot of a massive antibiotic. Other doctors were brought in to observe and consult. They strongly considered sending Jessica to the hospital that day. But they sent her home, with the mandate that we call if anything changes.The next morning, they admitted her to the hospital, where she was placed under the care of the Infectious Disease department. They believed that she had contracted a strep infection in her arm, that had now spread to her muscles - and possible into her blood stream. They started an IV with four antibiotics, and a ridiculous amount of fluid. But her blood pressure slowly lowered, and her arm pain did not dissipate. The doctors went from reassuring, to nervous, to clinical, to deliberate.
I was feeling pretty good, until a doctor whom I had never seen entered her room - and explained that they were moving her to ICU now. He explained that her infection was still spreading, and it was causing her blood pressure to drop. This concerned them, and they needed her in ICU. And just like that, they took her away from me. Unable to join her, I drove home alone, realized that there are no guarantees for anything, and cried on my front porch. I slept with Noah and Avery that night. It was the scariest moment of my life. And I am still scared about it.
It turns out that ICU was the place for her. Within 12 hours in ICU, everything began to improve. She was moved out of there that afternoon, and we stayed at the hospital for 3 more days, as she recovered. Six weeks later, she was back to 100%, we had a shiny new will, and things were (aside from ridiculous medical bills) back to normal.
But this entire experience was such a traumatic moment for both of us - as we faced the reality that she. almost. died. We live our lives quite differently now. We have more urgency, and it is harder for us to deal with the day to day checklists that life requires. We are closer than ever before, and we face things head on. It is a process though. And if I am honest, I think we continue to learn how to navigate our lives with this new perspective.
And we live with much more meaning now. Things matter more to us because of our experience. So, I am grateful for it, and grateful for the gift to be with Jessica every day. I am scared now. And it is a good thing.
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